Taking a Leap: The Challenge of Letting Go

The sky is immense, spreading around me in all directions. I know this land in my bones, the familiar angle of the sun as it brushes the roofs at the end of the day and the wind whirling dust or snow depending on the season.

I think about leaving here over 2 decades ago and what gets stirred in me when I visit. Memories. Belonging. Changes. Who I was back then. Dreams. Hopes. Fears. Who I am now.

I am considering what it means to let go. For every change I have had in my life, what it means is letting go of something.

I had to leave behind those vast prairie skies to live in the mountains and by the ocean.

I hear people miserable in their work, knowing that for their own well being they have to make a change.  They can’t leave they tell me. A mortgage. A benefits plan. A pension. Wherever will they get the wages they have now?

How do you make the leap?

In the movie, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, to save his father Indy passes several trials and then comes across a chasm too wide to cross by the regular means (that multi-use whip). What he understands is he is required to take a leap of faith.

What is true of every hero on the journey is a point where there is a risk. What the risk involves is letting go of where they are to allow them to get where they want to be.

In Indy’s case, it was the path with its steady ground. 

For those who are wanting to have a life they love, it will require a leap of faith. And leaving behind the safety and comfort that may have taken a long time to build.

I am not talking about the idea of taking risks that put your life in jeopardy or to throw away all that you have accumulated.

What I remember about Indiana Jones is that he studied the legends and folklore, the clues and maps. His decision to step into the abyss was from a deep understanding of the journey.

When I think of finding work that matters, risk is involved. Like Indy, the idea is to be calculated about it. You don’t know exactly what is going to happen but you are clear about what you want.

What always is true is that something is left behind. And that means letting go.

This is a journey we all encounter. We let go of ideas of how we should be, and then how we want to be, and what we wish could be. 

Some ideas are easier to let go of than others.

What is also true is that letting go is not about telling yourself that you need to let go and then it happens. The process is complex, extending beyond an intellectual level to emotional, spiritual and psychological.

What you may encounter along the way is:

Tapping into a belief

Core beliefs especially those limiting ones appear during times of change. For example, you may be considering quitting your job and then fears about financial security arise. As you explore this, you may find there is a core belief about poverty. The challenge here is to work with the fear, not to let it take over.

Thinking you have let go but then maybe not. 

In the process of letting go, you will find many layers. During a conversation with someone, you may talk about how logical it is for you to quit your job – you may have outgrown the position or you know you are capable of so much more. Then you notice that emotionally, you are grieving the idea that you were in a job that never was what it was supposed to be; now that you are quitting, that dream has died.

You expect yourself to be in a place you are not.

As you navigate a decision, perhaps, to move on with your life, you are expecting to be excited about new possibilities but you also find yourself feeling entirely different. With letting go, it is imperative to be kind and gentle with yourself.

Resistance to letting go. 

You may find yourself not wanting to let go; there is familiarity in the past. Standing on the precipice like Indiana Jones is unsettling. When I am caught in resistance, I remember this quote:

A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.—J. A. Shedd.

How to overcome fears that sabotage your dreams

Here’s what you can count on when you are moving towards your dreams: fear will show up.

Sometimes you will recognize it. Often fear looks like procrastination, distraction, self doubt, caution or feeling paralyzed. 

In The War on Art, Steven Pressfield explains how Resistance is ready to trip us on the road to our dreams; fear is its weapon. You know Resistance when you think that whatever dream you want can be postponed until another day. For example, you decide to write a book. Other incidents arise and you think you can do it tomorrow. Or after your holidays. Or next week.

When it comes to your dreams, fear may rear its head before you begin. I see this when people put their dreams on the backburner or when they dismiss their dreams altogether. One of the most heart-breaking demonstrations of fear is when people have no dreams. I see it sometimes disguised in a practical notion – “I have to make a living; dreams are for people who can afford them.”

The feeling of fear can be disconcerting. It is a powerful force, gripping you when you might be least expecting it. And it is a show stopper. Once you move through your fear, though, you will be able to see what it teaches you.

One December I was driving to Vancouver during a snow storm. At the top of the Allison Pass in Manning Park, there was a line up of cars descending slowly. Worried about the possibility of failing brakes after so many miles of constant braking, I began shifting gears to speed up and slow down. During one switch, my car went out of control. My heart was racing. I wanted to be anywhere but on that road. My first instinct was to steer away from any other vehicles. My second was to brake gently. I did both. And soon I was back in the car lineup.

What I learned from that experience is that in the midst of fear, I am able to do what I had to do. Even make good decisions. Fear doesn’t need to stop you.

Fear, then, can walk alongside you. It doesn’t have to be in the driver’s seat.

Over time, I also learned that when anything new happens, I can expect fear. I am hardwired for fear; it is probably what has kept me alive.

Fear in the moment is one type, a natural response to a threat.

For those who feel stalled around their dreams or their careers, the fear is an anxious feeling of anticipation projected onto a future event. We may label it as a fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection.

“There were many terrible things in my life and most of them never happened. ”

— Michel de Montaigne

Karl Albrecht, in a Psychology Today article, suggests all fears can be categorized under the following 5 types: extinction, mutilation, loss of autonomy, separation and ego-death.  See his article here.

In looking at finding work you love, Laurence G. Boldt uses the term Voices of Doubt. He has identified 4 voices and the fears behind them. They are:

The Voice of Doom and Gloom – Financial Security

In our culture, we have adopted the idea that doing work you love and making money are separate ideas.  What this voice tells us is that you are lucky to have any job at all and you can’t be supported by the work that you love. 

The truth, though, is anyone who pays for your services whether it is an employer or customers through self employment want you to have a passion for what you are doing. The young woman who worked at a San Francisco art supply shop and loved pens inspired me to buy one.

The Voice of Conformity – Straying from the Pack

This voice is based on the human need of wanting to belong, that you must spend your life doing what you “should” be doing versus what you want to do.  But to do work that is meaningful to you means you need to go inside and get a good sense of who you are, and that requires listening deeply to yourself and not to others.

The Voice of Self-Diminishment – Not being good enough

This is a devious internalized voice that says you are inadequate, the one that criticizes even when you do well and reminds you of past experiences where you may not have done well. The best antidote to this voice is to recognize when it arises (which can be tricky) and keep focused on what it is that you want to create in your life. You may want to get someone on board to help you deal with this one because it is old and deeply rooted. 

The Voice of Idle Complaint – Taking responsibility

This voice keeps us focused on other people, complaining about your circumstancesor the faults of others, and has at its core a sense of blame and helplessness. If you hate your job, are you ready to accept the responsibility of finding out what it is that you do love?

If you could conduct a scientific experiment to find the root of fear, you would find it has tendrils back to childhood, to some event or series of events where you adopted a belief.

Here are 3 steps to overcoming fears:

Step 1:

Understand your fears.

 Step 2:

         Get comfortable with that queasy feeling of fear when we are begin something new.

Step 3:

      Go out and do something that scares you. 

Susan Jeffers, author of Fear the Fear and Do It Anyway, states, “Every time you encounter something that forces you to “handle it,” your self-esteem is raised considerably.  You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens.  And in this way your fears are diminished immeasurably.”

An Event to Remember: The Cool Things Reunion Planners Do

What is a cool career? When you are considering the kind of work that engages you in just the right way, what would you choose? A cool career captures your imagination. Cool careers are exciting! In this series, I interview people doing the work, digging into the highlights and challenges of the work and the advice they would give others. 

After Kirsten Richardson organized her own high school reunion, she knew she could help others.  Her enthusiasm spills throughout her interview. She is one of those people – someone who likes to make things happen. An important quality for Reunion Planners.

Credit: Reunions With Class

Having a fascination with people is also key. As with other planners, good organizational skills, flexibility, creativity and budgeting ability add to the mix of the multi-dimensional requirements for the work.

Kirsten launched Reunions With Class in 1993.  She has witnessed the work shift and change with the times. Social media, for example, has impacted reunion turnout as people are in contact more often. 

A trend that Kirsten has noticed is 40-, 50- and 60-year reunions are the most popular. Often the best attended reunions are 50 years. By that time, classmates are 68 years old. Their participation in the reunion is usually very rewarding says Kirsten, more than a 10-year reunion. She sees emotional attachment central to this tendency.

Credit: Reunions With Class

Attendance at a reunion is partially dependent on the committee members and the connections they have maintained throughout the years.  Committee members are people from the graduating class, ambassadors who form the “personality pizzazz,” offering the unique nuances such as the memorable times experienced by that particular class.

Kirsten sees her role with the committee as, “We provide the little black dress and it is up to the committee to provide the accessories and the bling.”

The Reunion Planner takes on the grunt work – finding current contact information, organizing the venue, food, music and decorations and taking on the financial responsibility of the mostly up-front costs. This frees the committee to spend their time on making the event special and having a great time.

The committee pays a $500 deposit to secure services. Once attendance goals are achieved, the deposit is refunded. The actual costs of the event are paid by participant registration fees, which include the reunion planner’s work.

Attendance goals are determined by the class size, the year of the reunion and any information from previous reunions. The committee and the reunion planners are all working toward the goal. “It is a team effort,” says Kirsten. Everyone is highly motivated to get strong attendance.

Who actually attends the reunion is based on two factors.  The first is the ability to locate the graduates. Some classes have great information, individuals who have kept in contact with each other through the years.  

In the cases where classmates have spread afar, the reunion planner has tools to find them.  Kirsten explains that the resources they use are sophisticated and extensive, not something the general public can access.  She adds, “but we are not magicians.”

The second factor for who attends is people’s own view of themselves. People who think that they don’t measure up often don’t attend their reunions.  This a challenge of the work, Kirsten explains, because who actually attends the class are often “a slice of the class – not necessarily the class.”

If she could, Kirsten would bottle the essence of a high school reunion so that she could pass it on to the people who are hesitant about attending. Having organized over 1,200 reunions, Kirsten has witnessed how glad people are that they attended, and what a good time they had, despite their pre-jitters.

Credit: Reunions With Class

How much people enjoy themselves is what Kirsten appreciates about her work. “You are working with happy people doing happy things.” She has seen the reconnections that people have made, romances that have developed and relationships that have rekindled.

For Kirsten what makes this a cool career is working with people as well as the variety of the tasks. So much is seasonal, a different focus throughout the year. For example, reunions happen from July to September, often planned 6 to 12 months in advance. Invitations and social media are sent in February which is also when registrations begin to happen. Locating classmates happens in the winter.

Besides the seasonality, what is intriguing about the work according to Kirsten is gaining an understanding of human behaviour.

For example, “people that go and people that won’t” go to the reunion. She has found that people who haven’t kept in touch are less likely to attend their reunion. For some, “even if you paid them, they won’t go.”

For people entering the field, Kirsten suggests the necessity to be realistic on the expectations for attendance; projections are important in the success and planning of the reunion. The industry is changing so paying attention to those trends are important. 

Kirsten suspects in 20 years, the business will look extremely different. What she knows for sure is that it will be fun.    

You are stronger than you think: what struggles teach you

By the time we reached the hike’s destination, darkness was beginning to fall.  There was no time to linger. We admired the city splayed out in front of us. And began our trek down.

Nelson from Pulpit Rock

Pulpit Rock is a popular hike for Nelsonites. Located across the river from the city, it is a favourite choice because of the easy access and spectacular views of Nelson. The trail is 1.8 km long and with 300 metres of elevation. 

My sister, who had been visiting me for 3 weeks, adopted the routine of walking up to Pulpit Rock daily. This time I joined her.

I can’t remember now why we started the climb so late in the afternoon. What I know is that if my sister calculated the time based on her experience, she underestimated how long it would take with me along.

As we descended, we entered the forested area and we could occasionally see the lights of Nelson through the spaces between the trees.

Single file, we followed the narrow pathway. My sister led. Soon, the darkness obscured our ability to see the ground.  To the right the mountain ascended upward and to the left was a drop off.  We knew this because of memory, not sight. We inched our way down the path, my sister calling out when she encountered a rock or root.

When we reached the first switchback, a hairpin in the path reversing our direction, I saw the dark outline of a tree. I grasped it with my right hand. No longer did I have to pay attention to each inch beneath my feet. I confidently placed one foot in front of another.

But soon, I realized I had to let go of my safeguard. Because if I kept holding it, I would not be able to go down the mountain.

Isn’t this the way in life? Whatever we cling onto, that provides the safety and security that we need, we will ultimately have to forfeit because that object or story or person will be what holds us back. 

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The lesson for finding work that matters:

You may find yourself clinging to a job or idea of work you want. What if that very notion is holding you back? What if your future work was grander than you can now imagine?

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As I was plodded my way down the mountain, my future was ahead. Going back or staying still was not an option. As in life. I let go of the tree and resumed my inching foot steps.

By the time we passed through the next switchback (me being grateful for each tree that held me steady), my quadriceps were rebelling. Muscles quivered from the constant downward pressure. 

In the middle of the path where I could not see very little and I could only hear my sister, I made a decision. I told her, “I am done.” No more walking down this mountain in the dark. The idea was ludicrous. And I hated every minute!

After a few minutes, I reconsidered my plan. Was I going to sit down and wait for the sun to rise? The world was quiet except for my breathing. I contemplated. 12 hours. What would I do? Sleep? Probably not. Imagine every sound was a bear or a cougar? Probably. “I hate this,” I yelled.  Once the echo had died, I said, “Let’s go.”

Nelson and Kootenay River from Pulpit Rock

As I shuffled silently behind my sister, I was thinking of options and how I often talked about how there is always a choice. Spending a night on a mountainside with no gear was an option. But my real decision was how I was going to deal with the situation. I could scream all I wanted, wish I was somewhere (anywhere) else or consider how I might do it differently if I were to start again. 

Between me and anything that I wanted in that particular moment meant going down that mountain first. 

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The lesson for finding work that matters:

Where are your options? Like me, are they inside of you? Can you allow space for the brainstorming?

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I wish I could tell you that it was all smooth from that point. But my legs shook and I still moved my feet in the tiniest steps I had ever taken in my life. I still hated where I was.

I ignored the fact that one step to the side would mean a tumble. Or we could happen upon a wild animal. 

I just kept moving one foot at a time.

And that is sometimes all that can be done. When I don’t know where I am going (when I was younger I imagined a time in my life when I would have it all figured out) there is nothing left to do but keep moving as mindfully as I can.

The last drop on the path was quite steep. I decided to turn around and descend like I would on a ladder. At the second step I reached my hand onto a rock. I felt squishy. And then an odour. Dog shit.

Yep. Of course.

Because sometimes shit is what life gives you. It doesn’t matter if you have already had a lot of shit or you are too tired for shit.

I reached and felt moss on the side of the path. Nature’s toilet paper. I wiped my hand. In that moment, with no other solution accessible, I appreciated how one presented itself. Not 100%. As soon as I was down that mountain, I was heading for soap and running water. But really, it did the trick.

And sometimes life is like that too. We may not get exactly what we want but you know, when all is said and done, a good-enough fix is all that was needed.

I climbed down the last few steps. And then it was done. No longer was I on the mountain. No longer did I have to be on full alert.

Years later, when someone asked me one of the most courageous things I had ever done, I thought of Elephant Mountain and our descent in the dark. What I learnt is that courage doesn’t look like I imagined. It isn’t about fearlessness. It is about showing up along with the fear. It means keeping moving even though the fear is steady on my heels. It means handling all of the shit that gets in the way and being grateful for the oases that I encounter.

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The lesson for finding work that matters:

Any time you are doing something new, fear is not far away. Courage is about how you show up in your life!

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For more on lessons from nature, check out this article. 

Denise Lloyd - 3 Powerful Ideas for Loving What You Do

Denise Lloyd is a champion for happy workplaces.  “When people thrive, business thrives.”  Lloyd is the Chief Engagement Officer for Engaged HR, a Victoria company that helps employers build great places to work.

“No one should hate their job because of a crappy workplace.” Lloyd explains the connection between an unhappy worker and the effect of their misery as it spills onto their relationships, their home life, even their dog.

Finding work that clicked for her began when she was 19. Denise remembers an event that shaped her future.  She saw a flyer featuring the sale of paint.  The paint cans were illustrated with a pencil sketch.  She questioned why the hardware business didn’t use photographs as it would have been easy to do and have been much more effective. Her ability to connect the dots and get to what really matters shone through. 

Having travelled for a year after university, Lloyd felt aimless and didn’t know her next direction. Her mother, who worked in human resources, suggested business.

At Malaspina College in Nanaimo, Lloyd gravitated to Human Resources, a subject. that was easy for her and interesting. It still lights her up. She’s in her groove.

Denise Lloyd, Chief Engagement Officer - Engaged HR

To find work that matters to you, Lloyd understands that the search is hard work with big rewards.  She offers 3 profound ideas:

Believe you are worth it.

Following a dream means being able to really believe in yourself. Lloyd adds that if you don’t believe that you are worth it, you won’t find the work that fits. You will settle.

Stay curious. 

Be open to opportunities wrapped in a challenge.  Pay attention – if you have had a great day, think specifically about why that is true.

Pay attention. 

Lloyd encourages others who are looking for their dream job to follow, listen, pay attention and absorb.  Most people, she adds, have something that is awesome; through their own journey, they inspire others.  She also encourages people to pay attention to their own selves and what fascinates them. 

Lloyd sees the direct connection between being inspired by what you do and doing work well. She says that it isn’t about paying your dues. It is about needing to put in the hours to learn, to become rich in experience and stories.

She likens the process to making stew; it is so much better the second day.  It is through the simmering process you become better and then tap into what you can offer others. 

Knowing what inspires her has lead to her business flourishing during tough economic times.  She is motivated by the interest, willingness and capacity to do better. 

What matters to Denise is fostering an environment where happiness is possible.  She works with employers on job descriptions and policies but understands that what really matters is the ability to change people’s lives.